I want to take a minute and be serious tonight. I talked with a new friend today who has been in a relationship for 10 years, partly married and partly not. She has kids with this man and he is obviously an abusive man, not physically but mentally and verbally. Which all experts say is worse and more long lasting.
I had a relationship like this in my life and it nearly killed me. It wasn’t until I was left and alone for over a month that I realized; ‘WOW! This is nice not having anyone yell at me for over a month, I feel like I can breathe again.’
Let me tell you, if any of you are living with people in your lives that are into power struggles, turn around and walk away. Don’t look back, just keep on going!
Here’s a short definition of what I am talking about and a few examples.
Two people who are in love and care for each other have what I call a “Mutual” relationship, where each person is valued and appreciated for who they are and for their opinions, even if the two disagree, there is a calm manner in which to declare disagreement and they work out solutions together, peacefully.
A power struggling relationship is not about two people together working out life’s problems as a couple. It is about who wins the fight. It doesn’t even matter if the subject being discussed is true or a fact, a power struggling person will always put the other person down to win the upper hand, NO MATTER WHAT!
This mentally and verbally abusive person will not be satisfied until their partner is in tears or depressed, and then they relent and feel big cause they have WON, in their minds. Often they become docile and even sweetly apologetic the next day ~ and you are left feeling like it is all your fault and feeling numb.
You CANNOT negotiate peace with a person like this, for it is not about mutuality or feelings at all, it’s not even about the truth. It is about winning at all cost. And most of the time the cost is the destroying of the people they are the most close to, their family and friends, especially their mates.
Here’s another example:
I went to counseling with my husband, at that time, for over 9 months and most of that time was spent arguing in front of the counselor about how I could not match his socks. It cost us $150.00 a session and we discussed socks. (Ugggh!) The counselor even took his side saying that if this was important to him then it was an important relationship issue.
I was so stupid. I did not realize that this was about stalling and blame-shifting the fault onto me and to get us to talk about menial things to avoid the real issues.
PORN addiction and abuse!
I thought I was being the bigger sweet person by not bringing up his personal business and allowing him to share that when he was ready.
WAS I WRONG!
Secret sins and issues only get better when exposed ~ not keeping them hidden. I now know after years of dealing with this man, that I did exactly the wrong thing. I kept his secret. It finally destroyed us and our kids. We will never be the same again.
BUT GOD! Is my help and my strength!
I blog tonight to help anyone stuck in this whirlwind of unknowing what in the heck is going on! You are not alone and do not put up with verbal or mental abuse.
I am here for you, just ask.
Hugs from the unknown dater